


Sometimes Goodbye's The Only Way

by jokerssmile



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-18
Updated: 2014-03-18
Packaged: 2018-01-16 03:32:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1330342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jokerssmile/pseuds/jokerssmile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when your best friend tells you they're in love with you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Say Something

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by a gif set I saw on Tumblr. There is a link in my profile to my Tumblr post explaining the story behind the fic.
> 
> Note: I do not own anything Rizzoli and Isles, nor do I own any of the songs mentioned in this story. 
> 
> Chapter 1 Title comes from the song Say Something by A Great Big World

"What the hell is this?" Jane yelled as she busted into Maura's office. The door swung open and cracked against the wall. Jane slammed the piece of paper she was holding onto Maura's desk in front of her.

Maura was startled by Jane's hostility. She looked down at the paper then up at Jane who was fuming.

"It's a letter of resignation." Maura told her.

"How can you just fucking leave?" Jane shouted at her.

Maura got up from her desk and went to close the door. "Jane, calm down."

"Don't tell me to calm down Maura when you are leaving Boston." Jane said to her, "Leaving me." She said quietly.

"The job offering in London is a really good opportunity Jane. It's not only about being a medical examiner but I can do research, give lectures and continue publishing my papers."

"You can do that here!" Jane yelled.

"Jane, please don't shout at me." Maura said as she went and sat back down at her desk.

"Why are you doing this?" Jane asked her, "Is this because of what you told me?"  
  
"Jane, it's not all about you. Do you know how hard it is to be in love with someone who can't love them back?" Maura asked, "I need to do this. I need to do this for me because it's too hard to be here now. I need a fresh start."  
  
Maura got up from her desk and went over to Jane, she put a hand on her forearm, "I hope you can understand that."  
  
Jane looked at Maura then pulled away from her, “I can't." She turned and opened the door then slammed it shut as she left.

Maura sat at her desk; she knew this would be hard on Jane. She knew that it would hurt her deeply. But how did Jane think it was making Maura feel?

Everything had been fine between the two of them until two weeks ago Maura had made a confession that she was in love with Jane.

Jane told her she wasn’t gay. It broke Maura's heart.

They didn’t talk much about it after that night either and when the job offer had come three days later Maura contemplated a fresh start.

So now Jane was mad at her and Maura didn't know what to do to help her friend, help the woman she loved say goodbye.

Maura saw Jane less and less as the week progressed. She was busy packing up her home and making sure her things were being shipped properly to her new home in London. Any time she'd walk into the squad Jane would conveniently have something else to do in another area of the department and leave.

"Don't feel bad, Doc, Jane's just a little sad you're leaving." Korsak told her.

Maura smiled at him and nodded her head.

The night before Maura was scheduled to leave she went over to Jane’s house and knocked on her front door.

Jane swung her front door open, "What?" She asked seeing Maura standing there.

"I need to talk to you." Maura said to her.

"Are you here to tell me that you've changed your mind and that you aren't going to London?" Jane asked her.

"No." Maura said to her.

"Then there's nothing left to say." Jane said and went to shut the door.

Maura caught the door with her hand, "Stop being such a child!" She yelled.

Jane swung the door open again, she grabbed Maura by the arm and pulled her inside then slammed the door shut behind her, "I'm being a child?! ME?" Jane yelled, "You're the one that's leaving, you're the one that's running away."

Jane pushed passed Maura and went into her living room. She grabbed her beer from the coffee table and took a long swig.

"I'm not running away." Maura said as she followed Jane into the living room.

Jane let out a bitter laugh, "Bullshit."

"If you would just try and see passed your anger you'd see how hard this is for me." Maura told her. "Do you know how hard it was to tell you I love you?" Maura asked her, "To finally tell you how I feel about you?"

"Why'd you have to say it Maura?" Jane asked as she slumped onto the couch, "Why'd you have to ruin what we had?"

"I couldn't hold it in anymore. I didn't want to hide it anymore." Maura told her.

Jane set her beer down on the coffee table; she looked up at Maura and sighed. "I don't know what you want me to say Maura." She said.

"Just say you'll drive me to the airport tomorrow." Maura said to her.

Jane didn't want to drive Maura to the airport, she didn't want to say goodbye, and she didn't want to watch as Maura left her.

She picked up her beer again and took a drink, "Fine, I'll take you to the airport tomorrow."

Maura gave Jane a small smile, "Thank you."

Jane couldn't sleep. As hard as she tried she couldn't get her mind to be quiet enough so that she could close her eyes and fall asleep. She was wide awake in her bed staring at the cracked ceiling of her apartment. She wondered if Maura was sleeping peacefully or if she was having trouble sleeping as well.

Maura was downstairs in her almost empty house drinking a cup of decaffeinated green tea. She sat on the couch, her legs tucked under her as she sipped her tea. Had she made a mistake? Was telling Jane that she loved her really that important? Maybe she could have waited, maybe she could have held it in longer and not ruined their friendship because she was selfish and needed to tell Jane that she loved her.

26, that was the number of small cracks in Jane's ceiling. Frustrated she flung the covers off of her and got out of bed. "Damn it Maura." She grumbled to herself as walked into her kitchen. She opened her refrigerator door looked inside then slammed the door shut.

Tomorrow Jane would have to drive Maura to the airport. She'd have to stand with her and wait for her flight to be called then she'd have to say goodbye. How the hell was she going to do that?

Maura got up from the couch and went into the kitchen, she rinsed out her cup. It was her favorite cup because Jane had given it to her on her last birthday. She had told Maura that she'd asked herself, "What do you get someone who has everything?" and then Jane got her a mug with a picture of the two of them on it. She had told her that she knew it was something that she didn't have. Maura cherished it.

In the morning there was a knock at Maura's front door. "You're early." Maura said as she opened the door. She was surprised then disappointed to see Frankie standing there. "What are you doing here?" Maura asked him.

"Uh, Jane called me last night and said you needed a ride to the airport." Frankie said to her.

Jane was a chickenshit. She knew it and now as Frankie picked Maura up to take her to the airport instead of her Maura would know it too. Jane had been awake almost all night trying to decide what to do. She knew she couldn't say goodbye to Maura. She just knew it so she took the easy way out, called Frankie and begged him to take her instead.

At the airport Maura checked her bag. She dug through her carry on then gave Frankie some money and asked if he would get her a couple magazines from the gift shop. While he was gone Maura called Jane's cellphone. Of course Jane didn't pick up. "Jane, I asked you for one thing, one last thing to do for me. I needed you today." She hung up and put her phone in her pocket.  
  
The airport was packed with people and she wondered how long it would take before she could get through security. Frankie came back and handed her the change and her magazines.

"You don't have to stay here with me Frankie." Maura told him.

"Someone's gotta be here for you." Frankie told her and she smiled at him sadly.

"It's fine Frankie really." Maura told him.

Frankie checked his watch then looked at her, "Are you sure?" He asked and she nodded yes.

"I'm gonna miss seeing you around." He told her then hugged her, “We all are.”

"I'm going to miss you all too." She said as she pulled back.

"Come back and see us sometime." He told her and she smiled at him.

He returned the smile before he turned and walked away. He was just to the front door when Jane practically ran right into him.

She was out of breath, "Where?" was all she could get out. "She's getting ready to go through security at Gate 12." Frankie told her, “You better hurry Jane.”

Jane ran through the airport, she almost fell a few times as she dodged people and their luggage.

She saw Maura standing in line at security. She ran up to her and grabbed her arm, "Maura, thank God." She said out of breath.

"Ma’am, you're going to have to step back." A security guard said to Jane.

Jane showed him her badge then looked at Maura. "It's okay." Maura said to him and he backed off.

"What are you doing here Jane?" Maura asked her.

Jane took in a deep breath. "I... had to see you."

Maura stood in front of Jane, "Why?"

The line moved and Jane followed as Maura moved up.

"Because you're my friend and I didn't want us to leave it this way." Jane told her.

"No, why didn’t you bring me to the airport? Why did you make Frankie do it?" Maura asked her.

Jane looked at her; she could see how hurt Maura was. "Maura, I can't say goodbye to you."

Jane ran a hand through her hair, "I can't just wish you well, give you a hug and send you off to London with a smile."

"But that's what friends do for each other Jane." Maura said and Jane knew what Maura was getting at.

The line through security was moving quickly and Jane was losing time.

"Maura just step out of line so we can talk." Jane told her.

"We had two weeks to talk Jane. Two weeks to say what we needed to be said." Maura told her.

Jane started to panic as the line kept moving and they were inching closer and closer to the metal detectors.

"Maura what am I supposed to do?" Jane asked her, "Please just tell me what I have to do."

"Next please." The security guard called for Maura.

"No wait, please just wait." Jane begged her as she took Maura's hand in hers.

"Ma'am I’m going to need you to step back now please." The guard said to Jane.

"Maura...." Jane pleaded as she looked into her eyes.

"I have to go now Jane." She said as she slipped her hand from Jane's.

Jane watched as Maura passed through the metal detector and as the guard waved his wand over her. Maura gathered her bag from the conveyor belt and started to walk to her gate. She glanced back over her shoulder at Jane who was standing there with a look of sadness and desperation on her face.

'Say something.' Maura thought, ‘Please.’

Jane watched as Maura walked away from her. She saw the pleading look in Maura's eyes. But Jane didn’t say a word.

And with that Maura turned around. A tear ran down her cheek as she kept walking. 'Don't look back.' she told herself, 'just keep walking.'

"Please turn around." Jane muttered under her breath, "Let me know you haven't given up on me."

But Maura kept walking and Jane realized that Maura wasn't going to turn around and she wasn't coming back to Boston. She realized that their friendship was over, that because Maura was in love with Jane and because she didn’t say it back that Maura had to leave.

Jane's heart broke as she uttered the words quietly to herself, "Goodbye Maura."


	2. Let Her Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title comes from the song Let Her Go by Passenger

“Two weeks. Two whole weeks she’s been gone and not a damn word from her.” Jane grumbled. “I mean is it really that hard to pick up a phone and let someone know that you made it to London safely?”

“If you supposedly love someone then shouldn’t you call them and let them know that you’re doing okay?” She continued, “Or I don’t know, how about you pick up your god damn phone when someone calls you!”

Jane swirled the liquor in her glass, “Oh and get this, she didn’t even leave me her new number. I had to get it from my boss. That was a lovely conversation to have with him.”

“Detective, I’m sorry but we really got to close up.” The bartender said to Jane who was sitting slumped at the bar.

Jane stared into the bottom of her glass. She took the last swig of bourbon then set the glass down on the bar. “See ya around.” Jane said as she slid off the stool. She stumbled forward and caught herself on the bar.

“I called you a cab.” The bartender told her and she gave him a half smile.

The night air was cold, it made Jane’s eyes burn. A cab pulled up and Jane got in and gave the cab driver her address.

Jane paid him then went up three flights of stairs to her apartment. Inside she didn’t even bother going into her room she just sat down on the couch. She dug out her phone and scrolled through her contacts and hit send.

“Who died?” were the first things Angela said when she answered the phone. “Janie, what’s going on?” She asked concerned when all she heard was her daughter breathing into the phone.

“I fucked up Ma.” Jane mumbled into the phone.

“What are you talking about?” Angela asked.

“Maura.” Jane said quietly, “She’s in love with me.”

There was silence on the phone.

“I know.” Angela said to her, “And I know that’s why she left.”

“Ma, what am I supposed to do?” Jane asked.

“There’s nothing you can do if you don’t feel the same way.” Angela told her. She paused on the phone then said, “Just go to bed Jane. You’ll feel better in the morning.”

Jane highly doubted that. She hung up, closed her eyes and eventually fell asleep.

In the morning Jane woke with a groan. She blinked at the harsh light that was pouring in through her living room window. She sat forward slowly and rubbed the back of her neck. Jane dug her phone out of her pocket and checked to see if by some chance there were any missed calls.

She blinked a few times to get her eyes to focus before she looked at the screen. No missed calls. Jane sighed and tossed the phone on the cushion next to her then sat back and closed her eyes.

A knock at the door snapped Jane’s eyes open, “Go away!” she yelled. Big mistake as her head started to throb.

“Janie open the door.” Angela called to her.

Jane got up slowly and shuffled to the door. She swung it open wide without even greeting Angela and started to shuffle back to the couch.

Angela came in and shut the door, “Janie how long are you going to keep this up?” She asked her.

“How long is Maura going to be gone?” Jane asked as she sat back down on the couch.

“That’s not fair. You can’t put the way you are behaving on her.” Angela said to Jane as she went into her kitchen and filled a glass with water.

“I know.” Jane said quietly.

“You just miss her Jane.” Angela said as she handed Jane the glass, “We all do.”

“Yeah Ma, I don’t think that’s it.” Jane said then took a big gulp of water.

Jane was called into work on a new case later that afternoon and spent the next 4 days working on it almost non-stop.

“Because you’re a fucking idiot that’s why!” Jane yelled at the new Medical Examiner. “Where’d you get your damn degree? A clown college?” Jane continued.

Korsak rushed in and grabbed her by the arm and hauled her out of the morgue. “Hey you want to take it down a notch?” He said to her once they got out into the hall.

“It’s not my fault he’s incompetent.” She said shouting the last word.

“Why don’t you just go upstairs and wait and I’ll get the results.” He suggested to her and ushered her over to the elevator.

“Good idea.” She said as she glared at the morgue.

A few days later, the case was closed and Jane was back at the bar. The place was practically empty as she sat at the bar and sipped her bourbon.

“Bourbon huh?” a tall blonde woman said as she sat down on the stool next to Jane. “You look more like a beer kind of woman.”

“Bourbon is a sophisticated drink.” Jane said to her then took the last swig, “Or at least that’s what someone told me once.”

She summoned for the bartender who poured her another, “Make it a double.” Jane told him.

The woman ordered a wine and looked over at Jane.

“What?” Jane asked as the woman continued to stare at her.

“You look like you have a lot on your mind.” The woman said, “I doubt the bourbon helps wash it all away.”

“Yeah well it’s better than sitting around thinking about shit that’s never going to change.” Jane said slamming the drink in one gulp.

Jane looked at the woman, “Have you ever been in love with your best friend?”

“I’m married to my best friend.” The woman told her.

“Oh shit.” Jane grumbled then ordered another drink.

“Falling in love with your best friend isn’t the end of the world.” The woman said, “It’s just the beginning of something new. Imagine being with someone who knows you, I mean really knows you and they still love you.”

“My best friend is a woman.” Jane said to her.

“So?” The woman asked not seeing the problem, “If you love the person that shouldn’t matter.”

“What if it scares you? What if things are great for a while and then you do something to totally mess it up and then not only do you lose the person you love but you lose them as a friend?” Jane asked as she took a sip of her drink.

“What if it works out? What if it’s the best thing that has ever happened to you?” the woman asked. “You can play the ‘what if’s’ as long as you like, but you’ll never get anywhere.”

"Maybe I just miss her." Jane said, "Maybe I just have to get used to not seeing her every day. Not being able to talk to her, see her face, hide out in her office."  
  
"And maybe you’re in love with her." the woman said, "Maybe the thought of not seeing her every day, not being able to talk to her or see her face has made you realize that."

“Even if that was true, what does it matter now?” Jane said as she took another sip of her drink, “She’s gone now and I don’t think she’s ever coming back.”

“Well it matters enough to you that you’re at a bar at 1 in the morning drinking bourbon and spilling your heart out to a stranger.” The woman said.

The woman took one last sip from her wine and stood up, “I know this though, whatever you’re looking for, whatever answers you’re hoping to find won’t be found in the bottom of that glass.”

She smiled one last time at Jane then headed to the door and walked out.

Jane had one final drink before she grabbed her jacket put it on then stepped outside. It had started to snow. ‘Great another miserable winter has begun.’ She thought as she put her hands in her pockets and waited for her cab.

Jane thought about what the woman said as she got into a cab and rode to her apartment. She went inside and took off her jacket and flung it onto the back of the couch. She went to the fridge and opened it. She reached in to grab a beer and saw the bottle of wine that Maura had left behind from their last movie night.

“Why don’t you ever have wine?” Maura had asked her, “I don’t see why I should be limited to drinking beer.”

“You want wine to drink, you bring it.” Jane had told her jokingly.

Sure enough the next time they had their movie night Maura had brought over a bottle of wine and since then continued to do so when needed.

Jane left the beer in the fridge then went to her room. She changed into a pair of yoga pants and a grey t-shirt then got into bed. She turned off the light leaving her in the dark to think. She stared up at the ceiling trying to understand what she was feeling. Was she just missing Maura or was there more to it then that? Jane knew what it really was, she’d known for a while she just didn’t know what to do about it.

Jane closed her eyes and there was Maura. For the last three weeks, every time she closed her eyes Maura was there. She was there in her mind, in her dreams, in her every thought.

She thought about the night Maura had told her she was in love with her. She saw the sadness in Maura’s eyes when Jane didn’t say it back. She saw Maura at the airport as she pleaded silently for Jane to say something to stop her. She saw Maura as she walked away and never looked back.

Jane’s heart ached thinking about all this, it ached thinking about Maura.

“Fuck. How could I let her go?” Jane said quietly to herself when she realized she’d made a mistake.


	3. I Don't Want To Love Somebody Else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title comes from the song I Don't Want To Love Somebody Else by A Great Big Word

It was very hard not picking up her phone every time she saw that Jane was calling her. But she had to be strong; at least that’s what she kept telling herself. You have to make a clean break, leave all that behind.

But it was Jane, her best friend and the woman she loved. Someone she had talked to and had seen every day even at their busiest. They’d spend so much time together and not just at work and now not seeing or talking to her at all was beyond difficult. Jane was a very hard habit to break.

Work kept Maura busy. It kept her mind from wandering back to Boston and Jane. Kept her from wondering what Jane was doing, where she was hiding when she had to do paperwork, if she was getting along with the new M.E. She wished that work could help her stop wondering if Jane was missing her as much as she was missing Jane.

The college that Maura lectured at was having a faculty party and Maura was coaxed into going by a teacher that had befriended her on the first day Maura gave a lecture at the college.

Maura sat on her bed in her apartment as she slipped on a pair of black heels. Her cellphone rang on the bedside table and she got up to check it. A picture of Jane smiling flashed up on the screen indicating she was calling. Maura sighed, tapped ‘decline’ and put the phone into her small black purse. She grabbed her wrap then headed out the door to the party.

The evening was boring. Maura made polite chit-chat with whoever came up to her but she really had no interest in being there.

The teacher who had convinced Maura to come to the party walked up and stood beside her. “See the man standing over by the window holding the glass of scotch?” the woman said to her.

Maura looked in the direction to see a tall man with light brown hair standing and talking with a small group of people.

“Yes. What about him?” Maura asked.

“He’s new here as well. In fact he just got here two weeks ago.” The woman told her.

“What’s your point Carol?” Maura asked her.

“I hear he’s newly single and came to London for a fresh start.” Carol told her quietly as she smiled at Maura.

Maura sighed this was the third time that Carol had tried fixing her up with someone. Maura told Carol that she wasn’t interested, that she was in London to work and nothing more. What she hadn’t told her was the reason she wasn’t interested was because she was very much in love with someone back home.

Honestly Maura would rather be alone than be with someone just for the sake of being with them. She didn’t want something casual and she didn’t want to have a relationship with anyone.

“Carol I’m really not interested.” Maura told her.

Carol looked at her, “Maura, forgive me for saying this but ever since I met you you’ve had this ….” She paused for a minute as if trying to choose the right word, “Sadness about you.”

“I just thought maybe if you had someone in your life that maybe you’d smile a little more.” Carol said to her.

“Well thank you but you thought wrong.” Maura said to her then walked away from Carol.

Maura knew that Carol meant well but she just wasn’t interested. She had someone who made her smile, who made her laugh and who helped her when she’d had a real bad day. She had someone to sit on the couch with and watch movies while they drank.

But that was back home in Boston. In London she didn’t have that. She didn’t have Jane.

Maura was heading to the parking garage when Carol called out after her, “Wait Maura, please!”

Maura stopped walking and stood waiting for Carol to catch up.

“Maura forgive me please.” Carol said, “I didn’t mean to overstep. I really didn’t.”

“It’s okay Carol.” Maura said to her with a soft smile, “I’m sorry as well. It’s just been a very difficult transition for me.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Carol asked apprehensively, hoping she wasn’t overstepping again.

Maura sighed heavily, “I left Boston and came to London in hopes that maybe in time it would make it easier.” Maura said to her.

“Make what easier?” Carol asked.

“The fact that I’m in love with a woman who can’t seem to love me back.” Maura said sadly.

Carol looked at her with sadness and understanding, “Oh Maura.”

“I know it was silly to think that leaving would somehow help.” Maura said to her, “But for once in my life I didn’t know what else to do.”

“You came all the way to London so you could get over this woman?” Carol asked.

“Jane.” Maura said, it hurt saying her name, “And yes but I don’t think being here is going to help me move on.”

“But do you really want to move on?” Carol asked her.

Maura thought about it and she realized that it didn’t really matter the distance between her and Jane. She knew that it wasn’t going to be that easy to move on from Jane even if she really wanted to.

“No. I don’t.” Maura told her and a dull sadness crept up in her heart. “I’m sorry Carol, I can’t really talk about this anymore.”

“I understand.” Carol said giving her a smile, “But Maura, if you ever want to talk, you have my number.”

“Thank you Carol.” Maura said to her and watched as Carol headed back to the building where the party was.

Maura continued to the parking garage and her cellphone rang again. She pulled it out of her purse. It was Jane calling her again. She turned off her phone and put it back in her purse. She got into her car headed back to her apartment.

A part of her wanted to answer the phone when Jane would call because maybe there was a chance that Jane had changed her mind, that she found the courage to finally admit that she did love Maura.

But she couldn’t pick up the phone because despite her hopes she didn’t want to hear Jane’s voice, didn’t want to hear her say ‘Please just come home and we can be friends again.’ That’s not what Maura wanted. She was in love with Jane and even though being in London without her was miserable she knew just how hard it would be to continue being in Boston around her.

She thought about what Carol had asked, ‘Do you really want to move on?’ She had said no but then Maura started to think that maybe in time and with the distance it would all fade away. She would find someone else and then maybe she’d forget how much she loved Jane and she would move on.

‘Yeah right.’ Maura thought to herself as she pulled into her driveway. Maura didn’t want to love somebody else and she didn’t even want to try.

“Next time she calls, I’ll pick up the phone.” Maura promised herself as she went into her apartment.

 


	4. Words I Couldn't Say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from the song Words I Couldn't Say by Rascal Flatts.

After another sleepless night Jane knew what she had to do.

“Come on you have to help me.” Jane said to Korsak while he sat at his desk at the station.

“Why?” He asked her, “Jane, she’s gone. Why can’t you just let her go?”

“I already let her go that’s the problem.” Jane said to him as she stood by his desk. “I’m not going to call her anymore obviously that’s not working. Please Korsak I have to make this right.”

“Fine.” He said to her, “But Jane, you make this worse for her and I’m not doing you anymore favors.”

“I won’t I swear.” She told him as he got on his computer and got to work on finding out all he could about Maura’s exact whereabouts.

Jane went into Cavanaugh’s office, “I need some personal time.” She said to him.

“For what and how long?” Cavanaugh asked as he put down the folder he was reading through.

“It’s personal and it’s only for few days.” Jane told him.

Cavanaugh looked up at Jane then down at his paper work again, “You’re picking a real shitty time to take off Detective.” He said to her.

“I’m sorry I can’t help it, it’s sort of an emergency.” She said to him silently hoping he would just give her the time off she needed.

“Who’s taking over your cases?” He asked her.

“Korsak.” Jane told him.

“Check in if you can.” He told her.

Jane gave him a nod then left his office.

“Anything?” She asked going over to Korsak’s desk.

“Not yet.” He told her, “Why are you in such a hurry?”

“I have to go. I have a flight in 2 hours Korsak.” She told him.

Korsak laughed, “You booked a flight without even knowing if you’d get the time off?”

“Either way I’d be on that flight.” She told him, “Look, when you find something just call me okay?” She said to him as she headed for the elevator and got on.

Jane had a small bag packed and that’s all she took with her to the airport. She was now stuck waiting in a very long security line. Apparently everyone was trying to get out of Boston at the same time Jane was this morning.

The line progressed slowly which gave Jane time to do something she probably shouldn’t have and that was to think. ‘What the hell am I doing?’ She thought, ‘I don’t even know what I’m going to say to her when I get there.’

Panic started to build in Jane; she felt it as it burned through her chest. ‘What if she doesn’t want to talk to me? What if she’s already moved on?’ Jane bent over as she started to get dizzy.

“Ma’am are you alright?” A man behind her in line asked.

Jane looked up at him, still hunched over, “Oh I’m just dandy.” She said to him then looked back down at her feet.

She stood back up slowly and took in a deep breath. ‘What right do I have?’ That was the question she had been asking herself since she decide to fly to London. She never really came up with an answer.

Jane didn’t like playing the ‘What if’ game in her head. All it did was confuse her and make her angry. She resolved to just getting to London and taking it from there.

She finally boarded her plane and sat down in her aisle seat. She pulled out her phone and called Korsak and it went straight to voicemail. “Korsak, please tell me you have something. Call me!” She said leaving a message. She hung up, turned off her phone and put it back in her pocket.

The flight attendant came down the aisle and asked if Jane would like anything. “Bourbon.” She said and the woman nodded then went to get her drink.

The old man sitting next to Jane had fallen asleep about 20 minutes after the plane took off. He let out a quiet snore as he slept.

Jane was tired beyond words but she couldn’t fall asleep. She had nervous energy coursing through her. This was the longest she’d gone without seeing or talking to Maura. Even when Maura had to go to medical conferences they’d at least call each other.

Jane started to think about all the times that they were together. Then she hit on the last thing that happened before Maura made her confession.

Jane was out on a date with someone her mother had fixed her up with. The date was not going well at all. All she could do while they sat and ate was wonder why her mother would think this guy would be a perfect match for her. He chewed his food louder than a garbage compactor and Jane was 99% sure she saw him clean out his ear with his car key while they waited to be seated. She drank a little more than she should have through dinner but it was the only thing keeping her from lunging across the table and stabbing him in the eye with her butter knife.

“So you want to go back to my place?” He asked her after dinner as they walked out of the restaurant.

“Tell you what since I had to come here from work I’ll go home and freshen up.” Jane told him as she pulled out her cellphone, “So how about I meet you there?”

“Uh, okay.” He said, “You have my address?”

“Oh yeah sure. I got it right here.” She said waving her phone at him, “Go on, I’ll only be an hour.”

He smiled a goofy smile at her then got in his car and took off. Jane did the smart thing and decided to leave her car at the restaurant. She called a cab and when it pulled up she got in she gave the driver Maura’s address.

Jane knocked lightly on Maura’s front door and waited for her to answer. Maura opened the door and frowned when she saw Jane.

“I take it the date didn’t go well?” Maura said as she moved out of the way and let Jane in.

“Nope.” Jane said as she kicked off her shoes and stumbled to the couch.

Jane sat half slumped on the couch and Maura joined her.

“So what was wrong with this one?” Maura asked.

“He just wasn’t my type. I know door handles that are smarter than him. He wasn’t very attractive either. He chewed with his mouth open and burped at the table more than a few times. Honestly he was kind of gross.” Jane said as she closed her eyes for a minute.

“Jane that’s just mean.” Maura scolded her.

Jane opened her eyes and looked at her, “Maura, he used his car key to clean out his ears.”

Maura made a face, “Okay that is gross.”  

“I give up.” Jane said with a sigh, “I mean is it me? Is it the job? Do I just come off as some sort of bitch or something?”

“I wish you could see yourself how I see you.” Maura said to her.

“Oh yeah and how do you see me?” Jane asked her.

“I see a very beautiful woman who’s strong, brave and intelligent.” Maura said as she looked at Jane, “You are truly amazing.”

Jane blushed and turned her head away from Maura’s gaze.

Maura scooted closer and gently cupped Jane’s face and turned her head so Jane was now looking at her. “I see you Jane. I see who you really are.” She said quietly as she removed her hands from Jane’s face.

Jane looked into Maura’s eyes then her gaze drifted down to Maura’s lips. Jane put a hand on Maura’s cheek. She leaned in close, their lips millimeters apart. She felt Maura’s warm breath on her lips as she closed her eyes.

“Oh Janie you’re here!” Angela said loudly as she came in the door. The moment was broken and Jane jumped up from the couch, almost falling over.

“Jesus Ma!” She yelled, “Don’t you ever knock?!”

“I live here.” Angela said as she went into the kitchen. “So were you telling Maura about your date? How did it go?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Jane said to her. She glanced down at Maura who was still sitting on the couch, “I think I better go home.” She said as she patted herself down for her keys.

“Shit.” She said when she realized her car was back at the restaurant.

“You can stay here in the guest room.” Maura told her, “If you want to.”

“Thanks.” Jane said not looking at her. She stumbled a little as she headed upstairs to the guest room.

Later Maura went upstairs and checked on Jane. She saw that Jane was already asleep so she went to her room and went to bed.

In the morning when Maura woke up Jane was long gone.

When Maura tried to talk to Jane about what happened later that day at work Jane said she didn’t remember anything because she was drunk.

On the plane somehow Jane managed to fall asleep. She was in the middle of a very nice dream about Maura when the captain came on over the PA and jolted her awake with his announcement that they would be landing soon.

After a 7 hour flight Jane was ready to get off the plane and find Maura but it seemed to be taking forever for people to move.

Finally in the airport Jane turned on her phone. She grabbed her bag and listened to the voice message that Korsak left.

“Jane, I couldn’t get much but she’s been giving lectures every Thursday at The Royal College of Pathologists from 2-6 at lecture hall B.” He told her, “I’m going to text you the address.”

Jane checked her watch. She had a little over an hour to get to the college. Jane asked someone working at the airport where she could get a cab and they directed her to the front of the airport. It took 10 minutes before she got a cab.

“Listen I need you to haul ass to The Royal College of Pathologists. If you get me there before 6 with time to spare I will give you a huge tip.” She told the cab driver as she got in.

The cab driver drove like he was a part of NASCAR. He raced through the streets and Jane had to hold on for dear life. He pulled up to the college with 15 minutes to spare. Jane gave the cab drive his money plus tip then grabbed her bag and took off. She found a student on campus and asked where lecture hall B was and the girl pointed her in the right direction. Jane took off running like a crazy person.

Jane found the lecture hall. She dropped her bag in the hall then grabbed the handle of the door and swung it open. It startled the students in their seats and Maura who was up front at the podium.

Jane stood in the doorway completely out of breath. “So, you are alive!” Jane yelled to Maura.

Maura stood at the podium completely dumbfounded as she watched Jane walking up the center aisle towards her.

Jane got up to the front and grabbed Maura’s phone that was sitting on the podium and checked it, “And it seems your phone is working just fine too!”

Maura was in shock and Jane kept talking, “Why haven’t you called?” She asked, “Why don’t you answer your damn phone when I call?”

A student coughed and broke the trance Maura was in, “Jane, I’m kind of in the middle of something right now.” She said.

Jane turned around and looked at the students then back at Maura, “Fuck them. This is probably the most interesting thing that’s happened to them today.”

“I can’t do this with you right now.” Maura said quietly to her as her eyes darted from Jane to her class.

“When would be a good time Maura?” Jane asked, “Another month from now when you still aren’t answering your phone or you’re too busy to call your best friend?”

The class bell rang and no one moved. They were all captivated with what was going on at the front of the classroom.

Jane turned around and looked at them, “You can leave now. I don’t think she has anything more to teach you today.”

No one moved.

“Uh Dr. Isles, do you want me to get security?” A short brunette asked from the third row.

Maura looked at her students, “No I’m fine thank you. You’re dismissed.” She said and they hesitated a bit but then slowly started to file out of the room.

After the last student left and the door shut Jane turned to Maura, “We’re not leaving here till we talk.”


	5. Say What You Need To Say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from the song Say What You Need To Say by John Mayer.

“Jane I don’t have time for this.” Maura said, “Besides we could have talked in Boston but you were avoiding me.” She grabbed the papers from the podium and put them into her briefcase. She started to leave but Jane caught her by the arm.

“I didn’t know what else to do.” Jane sighed, her hand dropped from Maura’s arm, “You were leaving and I was angry.”

“You weren’t angry because I was leaving. You were angry because I told you how I felt about you.” Maura told her.

“That’s not entirely true.” Jane said.

“Isn’t it?” Maura asked her, “You asked me why I had to ruin what we had.”

“I didn’t mean that.” Jane told her, “I was just … angry and I was hurt that you were leaving.”

“So was I.” Maura told her as she set her briefcase down on the floor. “Do you know how hard it was for me to risk everything we had and tell you that I loved you?”

“Yes.” Jane said to her as she stared down at her feet.

“The reason I did though, the reason I finally had the courage was because you almost kissed me. I thought maybe you felt the same way.” Maura told her.

Jane looked up at her, “Maura…”

“I know. I know.” Maura said, “You were drunk and you don’t remember what happened that night.”

Jane ran her hands through her hair and let out a frustrated growl. “I wasn’t that drunk.” She admitted.

Maura looked at her, “What?”

“I wasn’t that drunk Maura. I remember what happened.” Jane told her.

“Why would you lie to me?” Maura asked her with a hurt look on her face.

“I was embarrassed.” Jane told her, “Ma just burst in there and scared the crap out of me and ruined this moment that we were having.”

“But did you want to kiss me?” Maura asked her.

“How am I supposed to answer that?” Jane asked as she turned around and walked over to the whiteboard. She picked up one of the erasers and started erasing some of the writing.

Maura went over and took the eraser away from her. “You answer it with the truth.” She said looking at Jane.

Jane sighed, “All I know is, I’ve never wanted to kiss anyone as badly as I wanted to kiss you.” She told her, “I didn’t know what that meant. I didn’t know if that meant I was gay or curious or what. I started questioning who I was.”

“Since then I’ve been a little confused and I was struggling with myself and my feelings.” Jane said to her. “Then you tell me you’re in love with me and I just panicked. I didn’t know what to say or how to tell you how I felt. ”

“What about now Jane?” Maura asked her, “I mean, why are you in London?”

“Maura the day you left, the day I let you go and watched you walk away my heart fucking broke.” Jane told her. She held out her hand and Maura took it. “I couldn’t say the things I wanted to say to you. I couldn’t tell you how much I was going to miss you or how much it hurt me that you were leaving.”

“I wanted you to turn around. God, how I wanted you to come back.” Jane said to her, “But you didn’t.”

“I was giving up on you Jane.” Maura told her as she looked down at their hands. “I couldn’t look back because I knew if I did I wouldn’t be able to leave.”

“So that’s it then? You’ve given up and moved on?” Jane asked her as she removed her hand from Maura’s.

Maura let out a small laugh, “If only it were that simple.”

Jane gave her a look, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Jane, I’ve felt this way about you for almost a year.” Maura said, “A month away from you isn’t going to stop me from loving you or wanting to be with you.”

“There was so much I should have said to you at the airport.” Jane told her. “It would have been so much simpler if I would have just told you before all this happened.”

“Now I’m here and it’s all just a jumble inside of me.” She said with a sigh as she put her head in her hands, “God, why can’t I just say it?” She mumbled then looked up at Maura.

“Say what you need to say Jane.” Maura told her, “I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere.”

Jane looked down at her shaking hands then she looked up at Maura and let out a small laugh, “Guess I’m a little nervous.”

Maura stepped closer to her and took Jane’s hands in hers again. Jane closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

She opened her eyes and looked into Maura’s, “It started off with little things. Every failed date I had that brought me to your door. It wasn’t them Maura, it was me.”

Jane looked down, “I didn’t want to be with them.”

“Why not?” Maura asked her.

“Because I wanted to be with you.” Jane told her.

“Then why weren’t you?” Maura asked her.

“Because I was scared and I didn’t know what it all meant.” Jane told her, “As much as I wanted you I didn’t know if I wanted to risk our friendship. I didn’t want to risk losing you.”

“Then you tell me you love me and I had my chance to finally tell you how I feel about you and I fucking blew it.” Jane said as she pulled her hands out of Maura’s and stood up. “I blew it and now you’re here in stupid London and I’ve lost you anyways.”

“Jane what are you trying to say?” Maura asked her as she watched Jane start to pace.

“What I’m trying to say is, fear is a very powerful thing and I let it take over. I let it stop me from kissing you that night. I let it stop me from telling you how I’ve felt about you for months. ” Jane said as she stopped pacing, “But I’m not afraid anymore of what happens because the worst has already happened.”

Jane went over to Maura and stood in front of her, she looked into her eye, “I should have said this at the airport.” Jane said then shook her head, “No, I should have said this before then, when it all started.”

Maura stood in silence staring into Jane’s eyes. Jane’s heart was beating so fast she thought it would burst out of her chest.

Maura’s eyes were pleading again for Jane to say something.

“I’m in love with you Maura.” Jane told her. “I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner and I’m sorry I put you through all of this.”

“Do you mean it Jane?” Maura asked her.

Jane stepped closer to Maura and cupped her face. She looked Maura right in the eyes, “With all my heart.”

Maura smiled at Jane, “I love you too.”

“Good.” She said then leaned in slowly and just as their lips were about to touch the classroom door swung open and one of Maura’s students walked in.

“Oh for the love of god.” Jane said in frustration, “All I want to do is kiss the woman I love!”

The boy looked over at Jane and Maura, “Hey lady do whatever the hell you want. I just came in to get my bag.” He walked over to his seat, grabbed his backpack then headed back out the door.

Jane’s attention returned to Maura and she smiled. She leaned in and pressed her lips against Maura’s and kissed her the way she had wanted to kiss her for a long time.


	6. The Broken Road

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from the song Bless The Broken Road by Rascal Flatts.

One Month Later….

“Jane it doesn’t matter how loud you whine or how long you stand there glaring at me.” Maura told her as she stood next to one of her autopsy tables, “You’re not going to get your results any quicker.”

“But Maura, come on I’ve been waiting an hour.” Jane whined.

“And I have two cases ahead of you.” Maura told her as she wrote notes down in a file.

“I thought dating the Chief Medical Examiner would have some benefits.” Jane said to her and Maura raised an eyebrow, “With work I meant.” Jane said smiling.

“I can’t give you special treatment just because we’re dating.” Maura said to her with a smile, “Now go upstairs and wait for the results Detective.”

“Fine.” She grumbled then headed for the door, “But don’t think I’ll forget about this.” She called over her shoulder then headed up the hall to the elevators.

Later that evening after work, Jane went home and changed then went over to Maura’s house. She knocked on the front door and waited.

Maura answered it, “Did you lose your key again Jane?”

Jane was too busy looking Maura up and down to hear the question. “Wow, you look beautiful.” She said taking another look at Maura who was wearing a black dress that fit her form and black heels.

“Thank you, you look nice tonight too.” She said then kissed Jane on the lips.

“Are you ready to go?” Jane asked her.

“Yes.” She said and shut the door behind her.

They drove to a fancy restaurant that Maura had been dying to go to and were seated by a window. The waitress came over and took their drink orders then left.

“I can’t believe it’s been one month today.” Jane said taking Maura’s hand in hers, “So are you sick of me yet?”

“Not even close.” Maura told her smiling.

“This past month has been amazing with you.” Jane said to her, “And I can’t believe how okay our friends are with us being together.”

“Who won in the betting pool?” Maura asked her.

“They had a betting pool?” Jane asked shocked then squinted her eyes, “I bet it was Korsak’s idea.”

Maura laughed then said, “Angela’s been pretty amazing as well. She hugged me and told me she always thought of me as a daughter.”

“Yeah well she smacked me in the head when we got home and I told her that I finally told you I loved you.” Jane told her.

Maura chuckled, “Angela sure has her ways.”

“Yes but you’re missing the point, she hit me.” Jane said to her, “In the head.”

“Honestly she’s probably wanted to do that for a long time.” Maura said to her with a smile, “You do take your time seeing the obvious.”

Jane smiled back at her, “I promise I will work on that.”

Jane’s smile faded as her tone got serious, “You know, I never thought this would happen.”

“What?” Maura asked her.

“This.” Jane said, “I never thought we’d finally be together. That I’d be able to tell you that I loved you and that we’d be happy and dating.”

“I mean I hoped for it but so many things got in the way.” Jane’s thumb brushed the back of Maura’s hand, “All the bullshit dates, all the crap that came up at work. Not to mention all the time I wasted being afraid.”

“Jane….” Maura said giving her hand a squeeze.

“But I’m done with that and I can’t even tell you how happy I am.” Jane said to her with a smile.

Maura looked at Jane, she saw the beautiful dimpled smile on Jane’s face and she knew just how happy she was because Maura was smiling just the same.

“I’m thankful for all the failed dates and everything that happened with work, it led up to something. It all led us to this moment, to us being together and in love. I wouldn’t change any of it, not one moment.” Maura told her.  

Jane smiled, “I love you Maura.” she said, “And I’m sorry it took me so long.”

“I love you too Jane.” Maura said still smiling, “And you were definitely worth the wait.”


End file.
